Jan 05 2009
Handled News– What We Are
The news is pretty rough, and taking it all at once straight on can give you an ulcer and generally make you want to die. That’s why I’ve created this blog– Handled News. I’m going to tell you what you need to know to get through five minutes of talk at the office water cooler and hopefully give you some witty rejoinders you can say to people to make them laugh.
Think of it as very short written Daily Show that you don’t have to watch on the treadmill at the gym, while unplugging your headphones from the closed circuit TV receiver during commercials and then quickly unplugging the same pair of headphones from your iPod and back into the closed circuit TV receiver when the show starts up again.
Main things you should know that happened recently:
Headline: Obama is going to cut taxes.
Witty Comments: Bet the Repubs didn’t see that one coming.
Witty Comments 2: Most people in the media still heart Obama and his hot bod. Thus everything he does is front page awesome news. This will change after his inauguration.
News: Poor John Travolta’s kid had a seizure, fell and died in a household accident.
Witty Comments: Hey you ignorant bastard, this is somebody’s kid! Have some respect!
Witty Comments 2 (for those people who have a sick sense of humor like you): Was he watching Battlefield Earth when he had the seizure?
News: Steve Jobs has a hormonal problem, and that’s why he’s skinny.
Witty Comments: I need that weight loss diet!
Witty Comments 2: That’s what happens when you only eat Apples.
And that’s all the news today: Obama, Travolta and Jobs– a trifecta of celebrity life crises.
PS–Oh, yeah, and people are still fighting in the Middle East.
